The lovely (and very sweet) doctor I saw at Moffitt Cancer Center yesterday suspects I have an aggressive and advanced breast cancer — again in the left breast. I’m scheduled for next Wednesday to go through pretty much everything having to do with imaging: mammogram, ultrasound, and MRI, followed by scans of my bones and organs to look for metastases. By the end of the week I should have a clear picture of how much trouble my body is in…if any.

It could be a common healing problem with breasts that have been through radiation. That’s the optimistic hope. The surgeon (who is Indian, and whose name is hard to spell and pronounce, so I’ll call her “Dr. K.” gave me the worst case scenario: in part because I believe that’s what she thinks is going on, but also because she’d rather prepare me for the worst and if it’s better than that, hurrah! I don’t necessarily disagree with her approach unless she turns out to be wrong. I now have 5 days to get through “knowing” the likelihood of me living to a ripe old age is slim to none.

The facility I’m connected with is solely dedicated to women with breast cancer, so — all things considered — I couldn’t have landed in a better place. True, it’s an hour from where we’re “snow-birding” and 1500 miles from home but, for now anyway, it makes sense to stay the course. When we know more about what I’m dealing with, we’ll make whatever decisions seem best.

I can’t say I’m happy about the news, of course. It’s discouraging, scary, upsetting, and sad. Hubby (Mike) and I have had some difficult moments since the exam yesterday, using more Kleenex than I even knew we had in the car. (My dear Mike sees to many things without me realizing what he’s doing… and why. How lucky, and loved, I am).

And now for my thoughts on whether or not this is a “bump”. After a great deal of thought, soul-searching, and Sundays at church, I came to the conclusion many years ago that I’m not a good fit for organized religion. Instead, I’m best described as “spiritual”. Without going into a lot of detail, I believe the emotions I go through in response to the decline of my health are defined only in relation to life on earth. From a broader (spiritual) view, the sadness I feel is a response to the illusion of loss. The true “me” is part of a much bigger picture with no beginning and no end (and it fits well with the notion that we’re all God’s children, made in His image to do unto others as we would have done to us). When I focus with this view of things, I’m at peace with the events of my life and am able to love and savor each moment…and that changes “bumps” into new opportunities, phases, and greater love. I hope this makes sense.

I’ll let you know how things go.